November 17th 1998-September 13th 2021, on that night my story almost ended. The dreams I had as a kid to grow old, have a family and my dream job, wouldn’t have even had a chance to manifest. Unfortunately life has a way of changing those dreams, sometimes allowing us to reach them and sometimes crushing them. In my case my dreams were mostly dominated by nightmares. Depression changes the way you see life and also limits how far ahead you look. I remember feeling like everyday was a 12 round fight, multiply that times 11 years and you can see I did a lot of swinging. Feels like I had depression beat for a while, but it just hangs around long enough until you’re just too tired to fight back anymore. Once I gave up it was just a slow descent down a truly dark path. In the months leading up to September 13th, there was a mental change that was taking place.
Soon I became careless, resentful, angry and emotionless. The facade I used to put on wasn’t working anymore, and to be honest I don’t know if I really even cared. See before I attempted to take my life, I had already made up my mind that my days were numbered. A fought the good fight, but I wasn’t brave enough to step up to my demons, and simply I wasn’t vulnerable enough to ask for help.
When I sit back and reflect on that day just one year ago today, all I can think about is the seconds, minutes, and hours before I was from making a decision that would have brought me peace, but so many others pain. I finally reached a point in my mental health battle where I was scared of myself, and ashamed of the fact I let my mental health get so bad. Fighting everyday only led to me becoming mentally exhausted overtime. Eventually the only thing I craved was peace, I wanted the voices of self doubt and anger to stop. Lack of peace allowed my depression to sabotage my life, family, relationships and friends. By the time I realized how much harm I did, I lost friends, my relationship and I lost myself. .
The thoughts of taking my life soon began to dominate my thoughts more and more, instead of why I was doing it, it was more so when and how. Even though my feelings stemmed from events 11 years ago, trauma never leaves you until you attack it head on. The older I got though the more I suppressed it and the worse my mental health got. Which is why peace was something I desired so much, mental chaos would be to describe how I felt. Although I’ve had thoughts and attempted to take my life before, this time felt different. I felt as though I ran my race and it was my time and I was okay with that. Often times, people who are suicidal are deemed selfish, but to be completely honest, I felt as though I was doing more harm to others if I continued to live.
I remember the build up to that day so vividly, from the conversations I had with my ex (love and mental health problems are a bad mix). Spending nights alone in my thoughts or even crying, and just not feeling completely numb. I was already on the ledge and just needed a small push to send me over. On September 13th I received that. I’ll be honest, my breakup with my ex was rough at the time. Between heartbreak and my depression it was a lot to handle at the time and of course when you look back you’re able to think about the situation more logically, but in that moment I was really hurt. Being that she was someone I really cared about and just didn’t know how to love her, the acceptance that I let both of us down by not taking action with my mental health. You hear “you can’t love someone else until you love yourself” all the time and it’s so true, you can see that person everyday, but at the end of the day if you can’t take care of yourself, another person can not substitute the effort that you should be making to become a better you.
Eventually people will stop fighting for you, when you refuse to even try to fight for yourself. They will still love you, care about you and support you, but they can’t be the only ones fighting. It just doesn’t work like that.
With her being the last thing I “felt” as though I had to hold on to before I was lost, the realization that it was really over was enough to send me over the edge. So I made up my mind that the pain and suffering would stop that day. I would finally find my peace. In the next few hours I called my sister, told her I loved and was proud of her, and I was on my way. Just drove as far as I could, but I was so tired and hungry I figured that the rest stop that was coming up would suffice. I decided that I would take a nap and then when I woke up I would go to the spot I had in mind to overdose. Like I said earlier, life and God had other plans.
Three things that day saved my life. The first being that my ex, the same person who I felt had broken my heart, had my location and was able to share it with my sister and dad. The second being that I can’t remember eating or sleeping well that entire week before so I was exhausted and was the reason why I needed to stop. The third is that my dad would have probably got in contact with the navy seals and every other branch to come find me. When he found me, I think I was more so relieved, although I craved peace, the pain that I would have left behind slowed me down just enough from making a decision I wouldn’t be able to come back from.
I’m so blessed that God had other plans for me that night, and I’m so thankful for the three angels that night that did everything in their power to bring me back home. Of course in that moment It was a mix of emotions of feeling relieved and terrified. Relieved that my dad stopped me, but terrified that I still had to live with the thoughts in my head and the state I was in.
Fast forward an entire year, and the growth I’ve shown in my mental health journey. I learned how to love myself, be vulnerable enough to ask for help and communicate my feelings. If the person on that day could see myself now, he probably would have said no way, because the place I was in was dark. The ups and downs this past year has brought are so worth it, because everyday I have life is another day that I have the potential to talk someone else off the very ledge I was on.
I can truly say that I’m happy with where I am in life. There are some hard days, yeah, but there’s also lessons to learn on those rough days. You just have to keep fighting the right way, you don’t have to do it by yourself, and you shouldn’t compare your fight to others. Having to discuss suicide sucks, its guts wrenching everytime i read an article about a soul who left earth because they lost their battle with their mental health. The most important thing we can do is continue to learn more about mental health, share our stories with it and just love the people around you.
On that day a year ago my story almost ended. When one chapter ends another begins, year one was just one more chapter in my story life. The rest of my life I’ll have this day to reflect on and with each passing of the date I hope I can say that I’ve grown even stronger from it!!
One year down and many more to go!
-Ryan Jackson
November 17, 1998-
Reflection
Over the course of the year we’ve lost so many angels to their mental health battles. For many the pain and loneliness that comes with depression and trauma was too much to handle. For those of you who know people who have lost their fights with mental health I’m truly sorry. To anyone that’s currently going through battles now, just know you’re loved, and in the midst of the loneliness, pain and doubt, I promise you there is a path that looks so much brighter. It’s a fight, but I can assure you that it’s a fight worth fighting everyday!