New Year, No Change

“True change isn’t easy, it’s going to challenge you and it’s going to take sacrifice.”

334 days of feeling like a dark cloud has just followed you around everywhere you went. Only the first 31 of those days feel like maybe this could be the year everything goes right. For a long time I think I truly believed a new year would be the end of my depression, and in a way it did. January was always the one month that I can say I felt confident that this was going to be the year that I fixed my mental health, accomplished that elusive goal, or just simply had a good year, but that’s just not how change works. 

Come January I felt like I could accomplish anything, almost tricking myself to think that I’m fine and that I was ready to take the next step and “change.” I would always have goals written out, and would hype myself up the entire month, “I’m going to do this and that,” but if my years of battling depression taught me one thing, it’s that bad mental health and drive do not go hand in hand. Demoralizing is the first word that comes to mind, because you desperately want things to change, but you’re also scared to reveal what you’re going through when you know more pain comes with choosing that route. Ultimately, I would choose to just survive, barely, for 11 months out of each year, living in this endless cycle of literally fighting for my life, but also acting as if everything is fine. Eventually the false sense of solid ground will crumble.

Enter 2021, the year my world finally crumbled. You can bet it started just like every other year. “This is my year…,” whew, if I knew the weight of what those words meant I would have stayed in 2020. Was it my year? No, but also yes. In the coming months I would experience more heartbreak, thoughts of suicide, tears and losing people close to me. A lot of regret, even more self inflicted punishment that didn’t help my mental health situation. Maybe if I did things differently I wouldn’t have had to face all of that, but I think that If I hadn’t I would currently be coming off of my first 31 days of 2022, to live through the same cycle I have been in the last 13 years of my life. 

So did it start my year, absolutely not, but the last 3 months I made them mine. Deciding that I needed help was the breaking of the “new year, no change,” cycle. I was simply tired of doing the same thing year after year, and I knew that change was going to bring about a little more pain, but if I truly wanted to remove the mask it was necessary. So more pain, it was. The first few sessions with my therapist were rough. There was so much that I had buried deep within for so long, that there were sessions that ended with me being mad, sad and everything in between.

I definitely learned that true change isn’t easy, it’s going to challenge you and it’s going to take sacrifice. Especially as a man it was so hard being vulnerable, but by opening up I was healing myself by just releasing everything that I’d been holding in for so long. Since my first session I can say I’ve learned so much about myself and although I can’t change anything that happened the last couple years of my life, I can change what lies ahead in life. 

Entering 2022 and with the arrival of February, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little scared of reverting, but I also know that I’m extremely proud of myself for the growth I’ve experienced over the last few months. I’ve been hard on myself for far too long so it feels good to say I’m learning how to give myself grace. With 31 days down, I know that the next 334 are going to be even better for me and you. So cheers, to a new year, new change and more life!